I'm so angry. All the time. It won't go away. Even when I feel like I'm going to break down and cry or start feeling ok: it's like rage just flares up. I'm short with everyone and I can't stop my smart assedry. I sit here and every time someone says something, part of me just wants to say "Fuck you."
For no god damn reason at all.
Just:
"Hey bud, fuck you!"
Or:
"Your gramma died? Fuck you! Too bad!"
But it's more than just rage... it's almost to the point of sadistic. Things that should upset me, gross me out, or would make other people cry: Make me smile. I find I'm happiest when someone is in pain. Yep... pretty freakin' crazy huh?
Oh well...
Fuck you.
13.6.10
Save Myself Before I Drown
I'm content with life. I really am.
No, that's a filthy lie. I want so badly to get more out of life. I don't want to be rich, I don't want to be famous and I sure as hell don't wanna be a politician. But god knows I'm so sick of doing nothing. I know that I'm the only person who can change my life; but at the moment, I'm kinda stuck. And when I think about my life and what's going on with it, it's like I'm drowning and there's only so much water I can tread before I drown. I'm stuck at home because I fucked up in school. Sure I can go back in January, but there's consequences that I have to deal with financially. I'm broke, and that sure as hell doesn't help me accomplish my goals/dreams/wants/or needs. I can't find a job, I'm trying my ass off. Okay, so I kinda found a job, but it's not set in stone and to be honest, all I know is that I'm assisting a physical therapist. That's the extent of my knowledge about it.
I know that everything will work it's self out in time: I'm not even being optimistic. I just know that these things take time and I have to be patient... I never was one for waiting around for life to start though. I just wish I had something to do to occupy my time while I wait until I can go back to Bozeman. I can't wait to get back to school: at least there I was distracted from my own cynical, emotionless ass...
Ok... I'm done ranting... for now anyways.
No, that's a filthy lie. I want so badly to get more out of life. I don't want to be rich, I don't want to be famous and I sure as hell don't wanna be a politician. But god knows I'm so sick of doing nothing. I know that I'm the only person who can change my life; but at the moment, I'm kinda stuck. And when I think about my life and what's going on with it, it's like I'm drowning and there's only so much water I can tread before I drown. I'm stuck at home because I fucked up in school. Sure I can go back in January, but there's consequences that I have to deal with financially. I'm broke, and that sure as hell doesn't help me accomplish my goals/dreams/wants/or needs. I can't find a job, I'm trying my ass off. Okay, so I kinda found a job, but it's not set in stone and to be honest, all I know is that I'm assisting a physical therapist. That's the extent of my knowledge about it.
I know that everything will work it's self out in time: I'm not even being optimistic. I just know that these things take time and I have to be patient... I never was one for waiting around for life to start though. I just wish I had something to do to occupy my time while I wait until I can go back to Bozeman. I can't wait to get back to school: at least there I was distracted from my own cynical, emotionless ass...
Ok... I'm done ranting... for now anyways.
12.6.10
Someone Who Cares (Darrell)
Ok Darrell, this one's for you. Why? Because I'm bored. And you want me to tell you what I really think about you, huh? Ok, well here it goes, but I warned you...:
From the first moment I saw you and you're dumb ass brother, Billy; I know you'd be a friend to me. Even if you were wearing that stupid hat and a blue button up shirt while playing basketball. Yes, I even remember what clothes you were wearing that day all those years ago (I can't, however, recall exactly how many years I've known you... kinda sad huh?). Between the two of us, there's enough depression and anger to stimulate a small war. But through everything I've been through; from all my shitty ex-boyfriends, the drugs, the drinking, the self-confidence and the anxiety and the paranoia issues, the late night escapades; the money (that I still have yet to pay back) and the (current) drunken phones calls I make to you every night and (finally) the lack of emotions I have-- You've always been there for me. You're the one person who has stuck out a friendship with me (even over Jasmine) and you've never let me down. In this dark hole that is my mind; you're one of the few people I still care about.
I don't have to lie or kiss your ass. I never have to worry about you having my back because you always have. You've always been very considerate too me (even though you're a relentless flirt), and you've been my shoulder to cry on for many years. You're not the brightest crayon in the box, but it only adds to your character. I hate your beard... really. I can't stand it... you look like a creeper... but don't worry. When I get to Colorado I'll be sure to tie you down and shave the damn thing off (than again, you might like that too much.) I only wish that I could do for you what you've done for me. You keep me sane... and i don't mean that in a joking way. You honest to god keep me from becoming a psychopathic bitch and serial killer. My trust in people is low and it always has been... while I wish I could say that I trust you... I can't. At least not without lying. I know that you'll respect that. You'll understand.. but part of me wishes that I had the capacity to trust people especially so I could trust you.
I heard somewhere that some friendships are so strong, that they can transgress lifetimes. I instantly thought of you. And thank god... cause if I died tomorrow I could count on you being there in my next lifetime :). Have I ever considered a relationship with you? For a fleeting moment. You're not my type by any means. But you'll find someone someday who's gonna deserve all the love and respect that you radiate... and I better be your best (wo)man damn it! I really look forward to seeing you this summer and I know that if my mom or her douche of a boyfriend kick me out of their house that you'll be there for me.
Darrell... I love you man.
There I said it.
I said the 'L' word.. happy?
Well you better be because it's true.
One day I'll get you back and I'll be there for you and I'll be the one helping you out. You'll owe me money someday and I'll be there to make damn sure it happens!
There's a song by Three Days Grace that I get stuck in my head every once in a while called "Someone Who Cares". The lyrics go like this:
Every street in this city
Is the same to me
Everyone's got a place to be
But there's no room for me
Am I to blame?
When the guilt and the shame hang over me
Like a dark cloud,
That chases you down in the pouring rain.
It's so hard to find someone
Who cares about you,
But it's easy enough to find someone
Who looks down on you
Why is it so hard to find someone
Who cares about you?
When it's easy enough to find someone
Who looks down on you
It's not what it seems
When you're not on the scene
There's a chill in the air
But there's people like me
That nobody sees so nobody cares
Why is it so hard to find someone
Who cares about you?
When it's easy enough to find someone
Who looks down on you
Why is it so hard to find someone
Who can keep it together
When you've come undone?
Why is it so hard to find someone
Who cares about you?
I swear this time it won't turn out
The same 'cause now I've got myself to blame
And you'll know where we'll end up
On the streets that is easy enough
To find someone who looks down on you
Why is it so hard to find someone
Who cares about you?
When it's easy enough to find someone
Who looks down on you
Why is it so hard to find someone
Who can keep it together
When you've come undone?
Why is it so hard to find someone
Who cares about you?
Darrell: You're the person who cares about me. You're the person who can keep it together when I've come undone. So this one goes out to you.
I love you man.
Thanks.
From the first moment I saw you and you're dumb ass brother, Billy; I know you'd be a friend to me. Even if you were wearing that stupid hat and a blue button up shirt while playing basketball. Yes, I even remember what clothes you were wearing that day all those years ago (I can't, however, recall exactly how many years I've known you... kinda sad huh?). Between the two of us, there's enough depression and anger to stimulate a small war. But through everything I've been through; from all my shitty ex-boyfriends, the drugs, the drinking, the self-confidence and the anxiety and the paranoia issues, the late night escapades; the money (that I still have yet to pay back) and the (current) drunken phones calls I make to you every night and (finally) the lack of emotions I have-- You've always been there for me. You're the one person who has stuck out a friendship with me (even over Jasmine) and you've never let me down. In this dark hole that is my mind; you're one of the few people I still care about.
I don't have to lie or kiss your ass. I never have to worry about you having my back because you always have. You've always been very considerate too me (even though you're a relentless flirt), and you've been my shoulder to cry on for many years. You're not the brightest crayon in the box, but it only adds to your character. I hate your beard... really. I can't stand it... you look like a creeper... but don't worry. When I get to Colorado I'll be sure to tie you down and shave the damn thing off (than again, you might like that too much.) I only wish that I could do for you what you've done for me. You keep me sane... and i don't mean that in a joking way. You honest to god keep me from becoming a psychopathic bitch and serial killer. My trust in people is low and it always has been... while I wish I could say that I trust you... I can't. At least not without lying. I know that you'll respect that. You'll understand.. but part of me wishes that I had the capacity to trust people especially so I could trust you.
I heard somewhere that some friendships are so strong, that they can transgress lifetimes. I instantly thought of you. And thank god... cause if I died tomorrow I could count on you being there in my next lifetime :). Have I ever considered a relationship with you? For a fleeting moment. You're not my type by any means. But you'll find someone someday who's gonna deserve all the love and respect that you radiate... and I better be your best (wo)man damn it! I really look forward to seeing you this summer and I know that if my mom or her douche of a boyfriend kick me out of their house that you'll be there for me.
Darrell... I love you man.
There I said it.
I said the 'L' word.. happy?
Well you better be because it's true.
One day I'll get you back and I'll be there for you and I'll be the one helping you out. You'll owe me money someday and I'll be there to make damn sure it happens!
There's a song by Three Days Grace that I get stuck in my head every once in a while called "Someone Who Cares". The lyrics go like this:
Every street in this city
Is the same to me
Everyone's got a place to be
But there's no room for me
Am I to blame?
When the guilt and the shame hang over me
Like a dark cloud,
That chases you down in the pouring rain.
It's so hard to find someone
Who cares about you,
But it's easy enough to find someone
Who looks down on you
Why is it so hard to find someone
Who cares about you?
When it's easy enough to find someone
Who looks down on you
It's not what it seems
When you're not on the scene
There's a chill in the air
But there's people like me
That nobody sees so nobody cares
Why is it so hard to find someone
Who cares about you?
When it's easy enough to find someone
Who looks down on you
Why is it so hard to find someone
Who can keep it together
When you've come undone?
Why is it so hard to find someone
Who cares about you?
I swear this time it won't turn out
The same 'cause now I've got myself to blame
And you'll know where we'll end up
On the streets that is easy enough
To find someone who looks down on you
Why is it so hard to find someone
Who cares about you?
When it's easy enough to find someone
Who looks down on you
Why is it so hard to find someone
Who can keep it together
When you've come undone?
Why is it so hard to find someone
Who cares about you?
Darrell: You're the person who cares about me. You're the person who can keep it together when I've come undone. So this one goes out to you.
I love you man.
Thanks.
11.6.10
To all the Skateboarders out there
When I pull the car up to park somewhere, please, get the fuck out of my way. Illegal or not... I will hit you. Why? Simple: Car beats pedestrian. Especially stupid, young pedestrians like yourselves who won't get the fuck out of the street when a car is coming.And you know what? When we go to court and I'm being charged with attempted vehicular manslaughter: I'm gonna tell them you were trying to commit suicide. Because you failed to get out my way the first three times I honked at you. You're not 5 years old anymore. You should understand that when a car is coming you need to get on the fucking sidewalk. It's not that difficult, believe me.
Now because you're idiots: I'm gonna repeat this again. My car will mangle you and that thin piece of wood you're riding on.
Here, I'll even write you an equation. Let 'x' stand for you, the skateboarder who won't get the fuck outta my way. 'Y'= my car.
x+y= ?
The answer? x+y= death.
You: annoying skateboarder < cyclist: who won't stay on the fucking sidewalk < Me: doing double the speed limit, windows down, music at max. volume, smoking a cigarette, in my car.
See? I'm at the top of the fucking transportation chain. If you were in a semi, a tank, or a plane, then I would get the fuck out of your way. Not that complicated. And now you have fair warning...dumb ass kids.
Now because you're idiots: I'm gonna repeat this again. My car will mangle you and that thin piece of wood you're riding on.
Here, I'll even write you an equation. Let 'x' stand for you, the skateboarder who won't get the fuck outta my way. 'Y'= my car.
x+y= ?
The answer? x+y= death.
You: annoying skateboarder < cyclist: who won't stay on the fucking sidewalk < Me: doing double the speed limit, windows down, music at max. volume, smoking a cigarette, in my car.
See? I'm at the top of the fucking transportation chain. If you were in a semi, a tank, or a plane, then I would get the fuck out of your way. Not that complicated. And now you have fair warning...dumb ass kids.
Downfall
You know my life is just oh so terrible when the biggest concern on my mind is what's gonna happen when I re-write my stupid novel. I really shouldn't complain. But after 8 years... yeah... It needs to be done so I can continue writing the other 50,000 stories that come to me in the form of nightmares. Maybe then I could finally get some freakin' sleep and not be such an insomniac. Yeah, cause that's really gonna happen. I just wish I wasn't so torn about this. I'm so close to the end of the story: I know what I want to happen. Now I just have to make it all fit: manipulate everything so it turns out how I want it (Authors have amazing power because you can't do that too often in real life...). The ending is there: it always has been. But I cannot, will not and shall not put the ending into words before the journey is written and written correctly. What can I say? I'm a control freak. The saddest part is: this is something that will never be published. No one else is ever going to read this story. I don't want it to be read and I don't want it published, never have. I just want it down, in writing, on paper, brought down to size.
So someone please tell me why I'm so anxious for this to be complete if I'm not going to be doing anything with it? Why I'm so ready to be done with it: not that I'm exasperated about it, just that I'm excited to be at the finish line. I don't even think I can call this the finish line. Not really. I've been toying with the idea of a series for a long time with this story. It's just open ended enough that I can make it work. I even have two sequels started for it. But this one, the first one: Downfall, needs to be done.
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