Adventure

From what I've learned by studying books and movies, if anything exciting was ever going to happen in my life it would be when I'm a teenager or between the ages of 35-50. At almost 20, I've missed out on the first round and I'll probably be in jail for the second. I can't help but want what most of us want; an adventure. One of those life-changing, death-defying, super-awesome, hyphen-riddled adventures. I'm talking one of those action filled adventures with guns, fast cars and exotic places; but hey, I'm not picky. I'll settle for being carjacked and forced to drive through Kansas at spork-point by a paranoid heroin junkie.

Really though, my life is boring as shit; and people wonder why I do stupid, yet slightly bad ass things that put me in potentially dangerous situations that could horrible and life-altering repercussions.

So If anyone nearby Alexandria, Va wants to go on an epic adventure (IE: rob a bank) or if you're just some nut who wants to make me drive through the most mundane state in the south 48; hit me up.

Sadistically Cynical

Fuck, I'm so done. I'm just so fucking done pretending that everything's alright. I walk around with a huge fucking grin on my face like sunshine comes out my fucking ass because I have to. You know what I realized today? I don't have to. I don't have to pretend that I'm okay just because that's what I believe society wants to see. I don't wanna push my problems on anyone, but I'm sick and tired of hiding the fact that I'm so pissed off all the time. Maybe I want someone to save me? Or maybe I just want everyone to shut the fuck up and fuck off? I'm not sure yet, but either way, I'm done.
Why should it matter that I'm a bit on the sadistic side? So maybe I'm a fucking sociopath. I sure as hell don't give a flying fuck; hell, I enjoy it. Yeah sure, manipulation's a great thing: but it has it's own set of unwanted repercussions. People expect something out of me, well fuck you all. If I need your help and I don't promise anything, just simply smile and act friendly to get you to help me out with something; you shouldn't fucking expect anything in return. That's your own dumb ass fault for fucking helping me in the first place.

I recently started talking again with this guy I vaguely knew in high school. Just chattin' and he might have this crush on me (that's what it seems like anyways). But he told me that I was a 'legit' and 'honest' person yesterday. Does he even realize that I'm subconsciously manipulating him? I doubt it. I should feel bad. But I don't. I just sit there and smile because I'm getting away with it.

So from now on, fuck pretending like I'm alright.

Jesus Asshole

"Hi! My name is... SUPA BIOTCH!"

Yeah, if I had a name tag that I could wear everywhere, that's what it would say. Fuck people. No seriously, people are fucking wastes of life. Some people are actually decent human beings, others are piss poor excuses for humans... Who am I talking about?

The fucking Jackwagon in FL. who wants to burn the Qur'an. Seriously? When will people learn to mind their own fucking business? If he wants to believe in God and Jesus and all that good shit, good for him. But leave Allah out of this. Why is everyone up in everyone else business anyways? It shouldn't matter what everyone else thinks or believes. Maybe that's just me being a bleeding heart liberal, but come on!

List of shit Night Sai doesn't give a shit about:
-Who your God is.
-Whether or not you believe in Santa
- What you do in the bedroom
-What you do outside of the bedroom
-What you do in the back of your car

List of shit Night Sai cares about
-what you do in my car/bed/table/kitchen/couch.

That's it. Other than that; keep yourself to yourself and STAY THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYONE ELSES BUSINESS.

For Christs Sake

Just a little bit Sadistic

My little sister and I have always been complete opposites of each other. She's a girlie-girl, I'm a tomboy. She likes pink and purple and yellow; I prefer red and black. She wants to be a fasionista, I want to be a coroner. Very black and white, right? Well she's been in Mexico for the past two weeks and was in Colorado for a few weeks before that. I haven't heard from her in over in a month (Which isn't very strange, we rarely talk), but she finally called me today to tell me she made it back to the States safely and that her trip to Mexico was good.
And then she said something that was so out of character for her that it blew my fucking mind.

It went like this:

Leah (My sister): So I'm coming back home in a week.
Me: Cool.
Leah: I was wondering...
Me: Mmhmm (not really paying attention, rocking out to Avenged Sevenfold)
Leah: Well maybe we could go do something fun when I get back to D.C.
Me: Mmk.
Leah: Like, oh I don't know... Something involving water guns, black trench coats, a giraffe, some hostages and a private Jet.
Me: ...Awhat?
Leah: You know, something stupid and illegal...
Me: ... Holy shit...


That's when it hit me... My sister is turning into me. Of course, she's only joking about the illegal activities part. But the whole idea is something that I would say (and mean... and carry through... and get arrested for). It's creepy, watching my little sister grow up and realizing that I'm an influence on her. I should not be an influence for anyone. That's just a bad idea.

I will admit though: having my sister try to mimic my sardonic attitude is a bit flattering.

Can I help it if she thinks my sadistic outlook on life is cool as hell?

No.

And that's exactly what I'm going to tell the cops when they show up.

Love yha sis.

Job

So apparently, finding a job has been harder than I thought. Maybe it has something to do with my smart mouth, reckless driving, chain smoking and tattoos.

But besides that:

-I actually am a really hard worker, willing to do whatever bitch work a company will throw at me.
-I have sales, guest service and food prep experience. A little jewelry and electronics experience as well.
-I've worked at many a fast food restaurant and retail stores. I've also worked at movie theaters and been a part time teacher at a martial arts studio.
-I've been babysitting for ten years, I love meeting new people and I can keep a calm demeanor during emergencies. I'm a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, but god knows my grades from college are terrible due to a serious case of adhd and test anxiety.
-I can speak some French, Spanish and Italian (though I'm not fluent in any), and I'm one hell of a shot with a semi-auto pistol (not to toot my own horn or anything).
-Besides two speeding tickets, I'm a damn good driver (especially when it comes to outrunning cops...)
- I can multi-task like no other [No shit: I'm talking on the phone, typing this, listening to music, petting my dog, saving the world (Ok... maybe that's a lie) smoking a cigarette and watching Lord of the Rings at the moment] and what I lack in the 'making good grades' department; I make up for in the 'willingness to learn' and 'clever comebacks' departments.
- I can bullshit my way in or out of just about any situation (Until I start being blatantly honest).
- I can read
- I know my geography (unlike 99% of the fuck-tards I graduated with... Really Darrell? Montana is a state. It's two states above where you are right now to be precise... dumb-ass. <3)
- I know my basic math up to (but not including) calculus (aka: $10.00 - $4.00= Potato?)
- I have big tits.

So why the FUCK have I not been hired yet???

Beats the hell outta me.

Excuse the Hell Out of Me

Ok, I hate ranting.

No, seriously, I love to rant: I just hate it when everyone else does it.
So, I grew up in a big town/small city that was suburb of a big city. I'm used to rude assholes.

However, I go to college in Montana. With a population of less than 1,000,000 people in the state, the city I live in probably has a third of state's population... no, that's a filthy lie... probably close to 20,000... anyways, small town. Filled with pot-smoking liberal arts majors and pot smoking old people; Bozeman, MT is the bombest place I know. *DISCLAIMER: I do not smoke pot... nor am I a liberal arts major... nor am I old...what the hell am I in Bozeman for then?*
Anyways...

People in Bozo are pretty mild-mannered and polite, when they aren't out drinking. If you ever want to know what Bozo is like without actually going to the middle of butt-fuck nowhere: It's a lot like Boulder, Colorado was 20 years ago. Except the mountains are surrounding the city. It's tight.

But I'm currently in Alexandria, VA and there's a few things I would like to say to the people here:

1.) Fuck you
      - These rude-ass snotty mother fuckers are some of the worst people I've ever had to deal with. I don't give two shits how bad it sucks to be living in the capitol of the United States of America and it's surroundings; Have some fucking respect. People living here have no fucking problem screwing everyone else over. I'm pretty sure that this nation was not founded on a pissing contest to see who could be the biggest douche-bag on capitol hill.

2.) Learn to drive, assholes
      - I swear to fucking god, driving here is the worst. I've driven in many states, but Virginia certainly wins the 'fucked up drivers' award. Despite the fact that the speed limit is 35mph EVERYFUCKINGWHERE (which in itself is enough to piss me and my lead-foot off), These assholes a.) don't know what the fuck a turn signal is b.) fail to use their rear/side view mirrors c.) pay no attention whatsoever to traffic signs, cops, pedestrians, cyclists and God-Mother-Fucking-Zilla. They like to drive with their heads up their asses.

3.) *Keep in mind that I am not racist* Learn to speak English, for the love of god.
     - I'm not racist, I love immigrants. We're all immigrants as far as I'm concerned, but I wouldn't go to France and not know how to speak French. I wouldn't go to Mexico and not know how to speak Spanish. I wouldn't go to Italy and not know how to say "fuck" (cazzo). I don't care that you live here and I don't care what your nationality is, just for the love of god, know how to speak english.

4.) No soccer mom, you may not bring your Fuck Trophies into Crystal's sex shop with you.
     -Anywhere I go, no matter where, I see blond bimbo stay at home mommies with six or seven brats following them around. Fucking hell ladies, a porn shop is not an appropriate place for kids (Don't ask me what I was doing there...) But I shit you not. I was there just for shits and gigs and these two ladies come in with ten kids between the two of them. They probably wanted to 'spice up' their sex lives... so they could have more fucking children... assholes. But really, who brings kids into a sex shop? I mean, hell if these kids where 14, I may not have cared, good for curious tweens who wanna learn about the kinkier side of things; but the youngest was probably two (had NO fucking clue what was going on either) and the oldest, 11. I can only imagine the questions these kids had...
"Mommy, what's this? And why does it have a smiley face on it?"
"What's an 'Inflatable granny doll'? Is this what happened to gramma after she died?"
"Why are you buying a whip?"

Oh yeah... loads of fun.

Short

Okay, so fuck me for not having written anything in a while. My laptop went to shit with a virus so I had to wipe the hard drive and re-install Windows 7. Then my dog luxated her hip and had to have surgery that involves cutting the top of the femur off... which sounds incredibly pleasant to me. So I've got to watch her like, 24/fucking/7. Too much shit has happened in the past month and it's driven me nuckin' futs; good thing for you I was already there; so essentially, nothing's changed. Just as a side note- for anyone in the Alexandria, VA area, there's this place in Kingstown called Kingstown Blues. The food there is pretty bomb and the service is good.
Anywoo, i'd write more, but I'm not feelin' it right now.

 

Anger And Agony (Are better than Misery)

I'm so angry. All the time. It won't go away. Even when I feel like I'm going to break down and cry or start feeling ok: it's like rage just flares up. I'm short with everyone and I can't stop my smart assedry. I sit here and every time someone says something, part of me just wants to say "Fuck you."
For no god damn reason at all.
Just:
"Hey bud, fuck you!"
Or:
"Your gramma died? Fuck you! Too bad!"

But it's more than just rage... it's almost to the point of sadistic. Things that should upset me, gross me out, or would make other people cry: Make me smile. I find I'm happiest when someone is in pain. Yep... pretty freakin' crazy huh?

Oh well...

Fuck you.

Save Myself Before I Drown

I'm content with life. I really am.

No, that's a filthy lie. I want so badly to get more out of life. I don't want to be rich, I don't want to be famous and I sure as hell don't wanna be a politician. But god knows I'm so sick of doing nothing. I know that I'm the only person who can change my life; but at the moment, I'm kinda stuck. And when I think about my life and what's going on with it, it's like I'm drowning and there's only so much water I can tread before I drown. I'm stuck at home because I fucked up in school. Sure I can go back in January, but there's consequences that I have to deal with financially. I'm broke, and that sure as hell doesn't help me accomplish my goals/dreams/wants/or needs. I can't find a job, I'm trying my ass off. Okay, so I kinda found a job, but it's not set in stone and to be honest, all I know is that I'm assisting a physical therapist. That's the extent of my knowledge about it.

I know that everything will work it's self out in time: I'm not even being optimistic. I just know that these things take time and I have to be patient... I never was one for waiting around for life to start though. I just wish I had something to do to occupy my time while I wait until I can go back to Bozeman. I can't wait to get back to school: at least there I was distracted from my own cynical, emotionless ass...

Ok... I'm done ranting... for now anyways.

Someone Who Cares (Darrell)

Ok Darrell, this one's for you. Why? Because I'm bored. And you want me to tell you what I really think about you, huh? Ok, well here it goes, but I warned you...:

From the first moment I saw you and you're dumb ass brother, Billy; I know you'd be a friend to me. Even if you were wearing that stupid hat and a blue button up shirt while playing basketball. Yes, I even remember what clothes you were wearing that day all those years ago (I can't, however, recall exactly how many years I've known you... kinda sad huh?). Between the two of us, there's enough depression and anger to stimulate a small war. But through everything I've been through; from all my shitty ex-boyfriends, the drugs, the drinking, the self-confidence and the anxiety and the paranoia issues, the late night escapades; the money (that I still have yet to pay back) and the (current) drunken phones calls I make to you every night and (finally) the lack of emotions I have-- You've always been there for me. You're the one person who has stuck out a friendship with me (even over Jasmine) and you've never let me down. In this dark hole that is my mind; you're one of the few people I still care about.

I don't have to lie or kiss your ass. I never have to worry about you having my back because you always have. You've always been very considerate too me (even though you're a relentless flirt), and you've been my shoulder to cry on for many years. You're not the brightest crayon in the box, but it only adds to your character. I hate your beard... really. I can't stand it... you look like a creeper... but don't worry. When I get to Colorado I'll be sure to tie you down and shave the damn thing off (than again, you might like that too much.) I only wish that I could do for you what you've done for me. You keep me sane... and i don't mean that in a joking way. You honest to god keep me from becoming a psychopathic bitch and serial killer. My trust in people is low and it always has been... while I wish I could say that I trust you... I can't. At least not without lying. I know that you'll respect that. You'll understand.. but part of me wishes that I had the capacity to trust people especially so I could trust you.

I heard somewhere that some friendships are so strong, that they can transgress lifetimes. I instantly thought of you. And thank god... cause if I died tomorrow I could count on you being there in my next lifetime :). Have I ever considered a relationship with you? For a fleeting moment. You're not my type by any means. But you'll find someone someday who's gonna deserve all the love and respect that you radiate... and I better be your best (wo)man damn it! I really look forward to seeing you this summer and I know that if my mom or her douche of a boyfriend kick me out of their house that you'll be there for me.

Darrell... I love you man.

There I said it.

I said the 'L' word.. happy?

Well you better be because it's true.

One day I'll get you back and I'll be there for you and I'll be the one helping you out. You'll owe me money someday and I'll be there to make damn sure it happens!

There's a song by Three Days Grace that I get stuck in my head every once in a while called "Someone Who Cares". The lyrics go like this:

Every street in this city
Is the same to me
Everyone's got a place to be
But there's no room for me
Am I to blame?
When the guilt and the shame hang over me
Like a dark cloud,
That chases you down in the pouring rain.

It's so hard to find someone
Who cares about you,
But it's easy enough to find someone
Who looks down on you

Why is it so hard to find someone
Who cares about you?
When it's easy enough to find someone
Who looks down on you

It's not what it seems
When you're not on the scene
There's a chill in the air
But there's people like me
That nobody sees so nobody cares

Why is it so hard to find someone
Who cares about you?
When it's easy enough to find someone
Who looks down on you
 
Why is it so hard to find someone
Who can keep it together
When you've come undone?
 
Why is it so hard to find someone
Who cares about you?

I swear this time it won't turn out
The same 'cause now I've got myself to blame
And you'll know where we'll end up
On the streets that is easy enough
To find someone who looks down on you

Why is it so hard to find someone
Who cares about you?
When it's easy enough to find someone
Who looks down on you
 
Why is it so hard to find someone
Who can keep it together
When you've come undone?
 
Why is it so hard to find someone
Who cares about you?


Darrell: You're the person who cares about me. You're the person who can keep it together when I've come undone. So this one goes out to you.

I love you man.

Thanks.

To all the Skateboarders out there

When I pull the car up to park somewhere, please, get the fuck out of my way. Illegal or not... I will hit you. Why? Simple: Car beats pedestrian. Especially stupid, young pedestrians like yourselves who won't get the fuck out of the street when a car is coming.And you know what? When we go to court and I'm being charged with attempted vehicular manslaughter: I'm gonna tell them you were trying to commit suicide. Because you failed to get out my way the first three times I honked at you. You're not 5 years old anymore. You should understand that when a car is coming you need to get on the fucking sidewalk. It's not that difficult, believe me.

Now because you're idiots: I'm gonna repeat this again. My car will mangle you and that thin piece of wood you're riding on. 
Here, I'll even write you an equation. Let 'x' stand for you, the skateboarder who won't get the fuck outta my way. 'Y'= my car.


x+y= ?

The answer? x+y= death.

You: annoying skateboarder < cyclist: who won't stay on the fucking sidewalk < Me: doing double the speed limit, windows down, music at max. volume, smoking a cigarette, in my car.

See? I'm at the top of the fucking transportation chain. If you were in a semi, a tank, or a plane, then I would get the fuck out of your way. Not that complicated. And now you have fair warning...dumb ass kids.

Downfall

So I'm finally at the point in one of my stories where I love it, but I hate it. I wanna rewrite the entire thing, while still maintaining the key elements of it. The 476 page document has taken me 8 years to write: and I'm almost done. But because it's taken so long to complete: the writing style and the story has changed as I've gotten older and gained wisdom. The beginning is juvenile: novice work. But the last part is amazing. I'm astonished with myself. Now the first three hundred something pages just need to be re-written to match. I feel so stuck though. Because I know as soon as I start to re-write it, create a second draft: I'm going to change it into something else. Create new ideas and implement new obstacles to hurl at my unfortunate characters. The story itself is fine the way it is...but the writing style changes and it bugs me. I want it to be consistently exciting. I don't wanna tear it apart and re-build it as something new... but I feel like that's exactly what will happen.

You know my life is just oh so terrible when the biggest concern on my mind is what's gonna happen when I re-write my stupid novel. I really shouldn't complain. But after 8 years... yeah... It needs to be done so I can continue writing the other 50,000 stories that come to me in the form of nightmares. Maybe then I could finally get some freakin' sleep and not be such an insomniac. Yeah, cause that's really gonna happen. I just wish I wasn't so torn about this. I'm so close to the end of the story: I know what I want to happen. Now I just have to make it all fit: manipulate everything so it turns out how I want it (Authors have amazing power because you can't do that too often in real life...). The ending is there: it always has been. But I cannot, will not and shall not put the ending into words before the journey is written and written correctly. What can I say? I'm a control freak. The saddest part is: this is something that will never be published. No one else is ever going to read this story. I don't want it to be read and I don't want it published, never have. I just want it down, in writing, on paper, brought down to size.

So someone please tell me why I'm so anxious for this to be complete if I'm not going to be doing anything with it? Why I'm so ready to be done with it: not that I'm exasperated about it, just that I'm excited to be at the finish line. I don't even think I can call this the finish line. Not really. I've been toying with the idea of a series for a long time with this story. It's just open ended enough that I can make it work. I even have two sequels started for it. But this one, the first one: Downfall, needs to be done.

Every Broken Enemy will Know, That Their Opponent is INDESTRUCTABLE

So how many of you have heard of the Hutaree? Yeah me neither until I looked on yahoo and there was something about the FBI going after them  for a plot to kill a bunch of cops. These guys are nuts: No really. I'm not religious, but even I, an atheist, RESPECT those who believe in whatever God(s/ess/esses) ya'll wanna believe.

Ok so here's the dealio: These guys are all training and learning how to kill people so they can be ready for the Apocalypse when/if it happens. They're anti-semetic and probably hates anyone who doesn't think like them and bad mouths them on the internet (Like me. Oh, I'm so scared *yawns*) They're anti-government as well. Here's the website if you doubt me:  http://hutaree.com

Not only does their website look like it was made by a middle school student, but their forums are readable, and they worry about the government seeing the shit they post. I'm sorry: If you're going to break the law or plan a conspiracy, be smart about it (Oh yeah, cause I'm really one to talk, what with the whole Bank Robbing obsession and all. =P)

I'm all for freedom of speech and freedom of religion; but in return there's something called common fucking courtesy that a lot of people have forgotten these days.

No, the only good book I've read lately was "The Lost Symbol" By Dan Brown and No I would not like to pay a low low price of $53.99 for a bible I could get at borders for $12.00.

No I don't want to tote a gun and kill Jews in the name of God: I'm pretty fucking sure one of the ten commandments said: Thou shalt not kill... but I'm an atheist.. what the fuck do I know.


Honestly: My Dad's Southern Baptist, my Mom's a Jew: talk about fucked up. There's a reason I'm atheist. But I learned a lot about a lot of different religions: as opposed to the people who are so god fearing, yet ignorant of what another religion is.

I've read parts of the bible: I've studied the Book of Revelations (It's an interesting read actually); I've studied the Torah; I picked up a Qur'an once, didn't read it, but I've got friends who explained it too me. I was a Zen Buddhist for a while: I know of the Four Noble Truths.

I'm not ignorant. I just choose not to have a religion.

These people: are ignorant. Sorry fellas.

Anywho: It was actually really funny that I read about this group today: Yesterday on the History Channel (Yep, I'mma nerd) They had a special about the Apocalypse and Prophecies.  I must have watched 10 hours of Nostradamus, Mayan History, and Volcanic eruptions.. It was AWESOME!!!


Sadly enough Bozeman isn't too far from Yellowstone: so if the cauldera there decides to explosivfy anytime in the next four years, i'm instantly fucked.

Oh Well! I've made my peace.
I guess the overlying moral of this story is: People, believe what you want, but don't be an ignorant ass who thinks killing people over ideology is ok.

And remember!:
You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor....


DAMNIT!

Sould I get a Set of White Wall Tires? Are you Gonna Cruise the Miracle Mile?

Oh jeeze, it's been a bit. Please excuse my impotence: I've been busy.

Midterms and such.

I decided that I'm going to make a list: just a random list of shit that I think about at any given moment. So, without further ado;

1.) Life's a bitch: So fuck it, just remember to always use protection!
2.) What is it with me and red colored drinks? What do I think I am, a vampire? I mean seriously! If it's not Strawberry or Watermelon or Fruit punch or Code Red Mountain Dew, than I really won't drink it... Man I'm picky.
3.) I just realized 80% of the music in my iTunes library is from before I was born... 80% from 1970-1990; 5% from 1990-2000; and the remaining 15% from 2000-2010. God damn my parents for exposing me to The Rolling Stones, Chicago, Duran Duran, and Billy Joel, among various other artists of the 70's and 80's.
4.) My roomie and I (With some help from her child-like-minded father) are going to create a game show: It's called "Snake Eyes". You get in this giant, tetrahedral dice contraption thingy, filled with jell-o (Of course) and you roll yourself in it and depending on what number you land on you have to do a challenge: Trivia, obstacle, etc. It was a lot of fun to come up with... but alas, we're but poor college kids without funding for such tomfoolery...
5.)... Which leads me back to my bank robbing idea... I really need to get a better hobby than planning bank robberies that will never happen huh? Or better yet: Why don't I just get a fucking job like every other broke loser? Oh yeah.. that's right.. cause I'm a Scorpio and we're stubborn assholes who dis-like conformity... yep, that explains it.
6.) Mmmmm... gorditas...
7.) I wonder what I did with my wallet??? I could've sworn it was right here. *Inner thought: Is it in your pocket?* No... hmmmm.. *Yells to roomie:* "Hunny! Where's my super-suit??? I mean, wallet??" Carol, "Did you check your pockets?" Sighs impatiently..."Do I look like an idiot?" "..." "Don't answer that. It was in my pocket." Carol, "Loser."
8.) I have a horrid obsession with the Joker. Not even Heath Ledger, just the character. He's just so damn fascinating! If I was a psychologist, I'd be all over that. But no, I had to decided to go teach 11 year olds how their heart works. *Smacks forehead*
9.) Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom...
10.) Hey, he's cute!
11.) If you said goodbye to me tonight, there would still be music left to write. What more could I do? I'm so inspired by you! That hasn't happened for the longest time! Whoa, for the longest time! Oh Billy Joel: In my mind you'll always be that dog 'Dodger' from Disney's "Oliver and Company".
12.) Boobs are really the stupidest things! Seriously! I mean, all they are is just pockets of fat on the torso: In any context, that's sick. But yet they're still so attractive! And what's worse? THEY WORK! I mean, ladies, honestly, when was the last time your man said 'No' to something after you've flashed him? I suppose I'll never understand what's so great about them. Not like I can complain: I always get the door held open for me.
13.) My hair is just not workin' with me today, but it still looks awesome! Like a red and black lions mane! RAWR!
14.) What the fuck are socks useful for? Someone please tell me that? If I had my way, I'd go barefoot everywhere but noooooo: No shirt, No shoes, No pants; No service.
15.) Why is it that every time I go outside someone else is there? Like honestly, I'm never truly alone anymore. I'm not saying that I want the whole world to belong to me, and maybe it's just because I'm in a college town; But every time, even at 4am when I go out to smoke, there's always at least one other person. I guess I'm not the only insomniac around.
16.) The above statement sound egotistical... I apologize for that profusely.
17.) Whomever thinks it's cool to spray axe/hairspray/perfume in the halls: I'm gonna light you on fire.. you're royally pissing me off and you make the building smell like a whore house.
18.) I'm bored.

Til next time friends.

And remember: Love, peace and chicken grease!

Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all...

Have you ever had your world ripped away from you? Like the air is vacuumed out of your lungs and they sky spins and blurs until you no longer see it? The meaning that your depleted life once had was blown away by a simple word?

What if you truly had nothing left to live for? Not one single person; not one unobtainable goal; not even yourself?

What do you do?

"What happens to a dream deferred?"

I Will Not Bow

"I don't wanna change the world- I just want to leave it colder." ~ Breaking Benjamin: "I Will Not Bow"

How many times have I laid awake replaying stories in my mind that, for some stupid reason, I just can't seem to put on paper? See, I like to write, like a lot. I've got several stories in the works and I can't seem to finish any of them.

One of them I've been working on for seven years. It's my second oldest story that I'm writing, but also the easiest one to work on at the moment. It just keeps changing because as I get older, I learn more and more about people and about life. I'm trying to make it as realistic as I can, but it's so hard when the main character (who is both a protagonist and an antagonist) is so damn dynamic. I've tried to make his character less complex, but the fact is that he's going to make himself whatever he wants to be. I realize now that I don't control him. Not at all. I can say, "Hey buddy, do this, this and this for me, mmk?" and all he says is, "Fuck you. I do what I want." And yha know what? I like it. I love the fact that this guy is such a foil of himself: so attitudinal and so... what's the word for it???... fucked up. Yeah that works. I don't think I'd have much of a story without him honestly: gotta love that character driven plot bullshit.

But it's also a huge pain in my ass, because as he develops and his life unfolds, things change. His age changes frequently, his physical features changed a bit (but he likes to think he's a bad ass so he has to look the part... drama queen...), his background story keeps going back and forth between two options in my head- does he have daddy issues? Or did he just get caught up in some unfortunate circumstance? ( I don't believe in circumstance, but he does; so naturally we're always fighting about that...)

So when he changes, the entire story does. Honestly, it takes a lot out of me and I seem to get one hell of a writers block every time it does. There's a reason why it's taken me seven years and I've only got 180 pages typed up. I've tried to say, "Fuck you, I need someone less difficult." But in reality: I love him too much to just drop him, or even make him a side character. It has to be him; Mr. Center-Of-Attention... I've worked too long and too hard to scratch him and create up someone new.

I don't believe in God. Believe what you may, but I'm a biologist and while I believe in the POSSIBILITY of the Alpha and Omega; I believe science more. But if there is a god: I imagine that any (good) writer knows what he/she/it/them feel(s) like to a certain degree. I mean one complex character is bad enough. I have several, but none so bad as him. But trillions of people??? Damn. God must be on drugs.

Anyways... don't ask me why I'm typing this all out. It's 5:30 A.M.

So I'm angsty and nervous and hyper and I can't sleep.

Anyways.

Once again my non exsistant readers: I bid ye Good morning

and remember: You can't spell "Slaughter" without "Laughter" ! =D

The Beginning is the End is the Beginning

So much can happen in the blink of an eye. Before we can even begin to contemplate the amount of damage that can consume someone's life, it's already happened. Everyone truly lives for themselves: even as we try to be selfless. We can do our best to donate, to give, to listen, to care for and to help others, but in the end, it's all about the self.

A person's motivation behind doing something can be selfish: You donate because you want to get that good feeling from helping someone else, or because it'll bring you closer to whatever God you believe is out there. Or maybe it's just because you wanna be known as that person who donated the most. Anyway you look at it; it's all selfish.

I'm not saying don't help others: not at all. But why you do it is essentially for yourself. People who read this and go "Oh what does that bitch know?"- You're the worst of us. You're selfish and you're self righteous.

Anyway.

I'm done.